My husband jumped out of the car on our way to bringing me to work. He was angry. Angry because I paid the cable bill. He wanted to know what was happening to my check. I told him - "I paid the cable bill which is $156, plus $31 in gas, $30 for dinner, $14 for diapers.." Yes - I sat there and did all the math. How do you pretend not to be broken when someone tells you that you are nothing, that you are a mistake, that you're deceitful, that you're everything they don't want? I make no excuses for the lies I've told to him about our finances. I did what I did to cover up his horrible/my horrible spending habits. What did I do exactly? I borrowed from my paychecks to "fluff" up our balance. I don't know nor think it was worth it now looking back because now I feel like a dumb ass. He said to me that I've been so deceitful for the last 5 years. I know I lied. But what about him? All the plotting, cheating, the abuse? But this isn't about him. It's about me and I feel persecuted, attacked, and I feel like my back is up against the wall. I feel like a part of me knows this relationship has flaws, big ones at that, and I'm trying really hard to make it work. I'm so tired of all of this. Tired of living on the edge. Tired of not knowing what's going to set my husband off. Tired of being told that he doesn't want to be with me. Tired of being told that everything is my fault. I know I am not the perfect wife, but I do damn near everything to make this man happy. At least I feel like I do. I have sacrificed so much self-care to prove that I will put him and my children first only to be told I am still not cutting it. I'm tired of fighting to be loved.God told me not to put my trust in man. He told me not rely on man. He told me not to. And I knew not to. But I'm so exhausted by this. Exhausted by this ill-treatment. But I can't speak against him. I went back to him, I expected things to be different and they were for a little bit. He just continued to do it all in the dark, behind my back. I guess you could say the same, but God knows I'm sorry about what I did and that all I want to do is make it right.
God, I'm weary. I really am. Give me the strength that I need to overcome this constant pain. Help me to see the path clearly. Give me beauty for the ashes. Please. He drove off out the company parking lot and I walked the other way to work because I did not want to be seen crying. He didn't even look back or call to see if I was Ok. God why doesn't he care? I've been sitting here for an hour now in complete tears.These fights always feel like the end of the world because of how major they are. I don't know what to do or say. But I will keep praying.
9:17 A.M. - 10/25/2019