My husband came out late last night and said to me in so many words that he thinks that our youngest is the result of an affair. An affair that I never had. As if that wasn't insulting enough, he sprinkled a little bit of God into the equation. Apparently, at 1:26 AM God "told" him that I was hiding a secret that only my mom knew about and that he would accept it because it's too late in the game. He referenced a time during my pregnancy when he would often leave and go off with his friends and I came up with a dramatic scenario to make him come home. He kept badgering me. Why were you trying to kill yourself? But I answered. I was so upset and emotional that I drove to the River front. I took my shoes off and took a picture of my feet in the water. and sent it to him. Afterwards, I went to the nearest pharmacy and purchased a gallon of water and then poured it over my head and walked in to the house soaking wet. He said, No that can't be true. You wanted to kill yourself. That was far and is still far from the truth. I admit it was a little bizarre, or a whole lot of bizarre (call it what you will) - - but I was tired of being ignored by this man. He was always doing what he wanted to do.I wanted attention, love and affection but he constantly pulled away from me. It was like he got it right out of a narcissist play book. His favorite technique was stone-walling. I know that it is unhealthy. It's toxic, and there's no way that we can ever truly get this right without counseling, but this is my last ditch effort. In the middle of me explaining myself, telling him how he made me feel he would turn his back to me. Through text he would respond with an infamous, "k." and at home he would retreat into the 2nd bedroom and close the door. Either way, every single time I intended on having the conversation, he was deciding that he wasn't going. I know I'm not perfect. I've done things that I am ashamed of, but this? This takes the cake.
For him to say that our baby girl isn't his is a far stretch of the imagination. The insult to injury will always be that he chose to throw God in there. Although I have texted men on the low while he was cheating on me, I never full out retaliated physically. I was and have always been faithful to Jose. Even when we were on a marital hiatus back in 2018 when he was shacking up with the murderer. My love life is like a movie, not quite like a train wreck but it looks bad enough that you give it the Lucille Ball face. This is tragic and I cannot imagine raising my two little girls to think that this is Ok when it is not.
8:15 A.M. - 02/18/2020