I'm tired of the resentment that I feel towards my husband. I'm so tired of how it drains all the joy out of my life. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to police him and be his 24/7 bodyguard. God, release me of these burdens and help me deal with them in a way that doesn't further drive us apart.
Yesterday he shaved and he got dressed up to leave the house. We're in a quarantine. Where are you going? My antennae went up because many times, he has gone out on his own and indulged in drugs and came home and lied to me about it. His drugs of choice? Dust or dope. I don't know specifically which is which when he uses, but I know there's one that leaves him out cold for an hour at a time, where is profusely sweats and vomits for hours. I don't know how to explain the disgust that I feel when he's like that. I get so angry at times that I can't control myself. I know this is not the reaction that he or God wants from me. There's no excuse for an explosive reaction, but I am asking for God to help me see him the way HE sees him. All I see is someone who is weak, who gives in to the devil easily and readily. He's got demons on his back and the world in me just sees this horrible person that I married because I couldn't fathom the idea of being alone or a single mom.
It's horrible that I feel this way. When he got ready to walk out of the door, our oldest asked why there was a sandwich left on the night stand. I couldn't help myself when I answered, your ungrateful father left it there. - - - here I am trying to be a good wife, bending over and backwards, doing more than I should and he's walking out of the door to do God knows what. I was mad about the sandwich, but moreso mad because imagination was acting up. Deep down inside, I had seen this happen one too many times. Not to mention, I'm working from home. The girls are toddlers. Why can't you hang tight until I'm done with work? All of this stuff just took over my mind, and then he called me a hater.
Reality is that yes, I'm a hater. How can we call ourselves God fearing people, react with a lack of faith, and still get our way? How are we so "blessed" and "highly favored" yet we are horrible human beings to others? I don't understand that. But this is how the enemy works. He seeks to confuse us and to hurt us, to turn us against one another in ways that we would never imagine. I apologized to him through text for my comment. He called me disrespectful and told me many times that he didn't want to be with me. Of course, I fired back. But point is - - - why entertain an argument that is being led by satan himself. And my husband went out and drink, which is a huge trigger. My husband is sober today and hasn't said anything to me. I just know that I need to be wary of reacting and mostly of being emotional. God favors me too, right?
10:48 A.M. - 04/24/2020