Have you ever gone through life passively? Things that deserve a reaction no longer even get your attention because you're numb and used to it. No one should ever get used to fucked up shit. Ever
We went on vacation to Orlando for his birthday. It was a 3 night/4 day stay and we ended up fighting about money on the very last day of being there. He was sober. No weed from the moment we go to our hometown airport. I could see him struggling the entire trip, but he also went to bed super early every night. And the up side? He didn't drink at all, which I feared. But then we came back home and were struggling to pay our rent. He had to have weed the minute that plane landed. My sister and brother-in-law dropped the kids and us home and we went for an instant car ride to the weed man. Sigh.
Sometimes I wonder what else I can do. My husband is being held hostage by the demons of his past. He cannot fully function with a drug, and I've noticed without failing that on his days off he's tempted by more drugs and/or people. Yesterday he picked me up from work and I could see his pupils were dilated. He kept falling asleep mid conversation. He had done some drug. Dust, heroin....I don't know. But I told him candidly that I was tired of trying to protect him. It was a labor of love that cost me sleep, made me overthink, and to call myself a Christian ... I would say I am struggling with my faith right now because of it.
How do you watch someone you love poison themselves? I love this man, but every single thing we've done to try to get him help as failed. His probation officer stopped short many times, and did nothing but put him in a couple of "programs" and he never got any rehabilitative help. Is this where I cry out to God? I've done this so many times before.
8:35 A.M. - 10/23/2019