I hate how I am unable to be consistent, in anything. Not in reading the Bible, praying, fasting, fasting to lose weight, writing, finishing my courses. I start so many things and never finish. Why the hell is that?
I don't do drugs, nor do I drink. But I eat. And I can't stop eating. It's almost as if I feel like I'll never eat again and my body does me no favors. I'm not even strong enough to withstand a couple hours of hunger. Stuck at the same weight for months, which technically is a good thing, but it proves that I lack in motivation.
Things with my husband are Ok. But I know that I suffer from severe PTSD. PTSD from witnessing his drug overdoses, from bad things happening every time he was gone for hours, PTSD from knowing that his voice changes when he's high or drunk. I'm constantly on edge because of that. Not to blame him but at 34, it's a lot more than I saw myself handling all this time. The girls are good, they're growing and I'm trying to manage the best that I can with them. Give it all to God they say, and when I think I have...the controlling part of me knows that I haven't.
10:30 A.M. - 07/29/2020