The truth about lies
In the last few weeks, I've been referred to as "cold". Knowing myself, I can come off a little indifferent to men, but after years of having my feelings dismissed, I have been desensitized completely. I used to think that it was sad that I could care less as to how things panned out, but as time progressed and people kept showing how flaky they were in everything they did, it just became obvious that less is more. The less you care, the more leverage you have. The less you invest, the more easier it is to walk away from something that will disappoint you eventually. Perhaps my theory may be flawed, but what's to prove my approach erroneous? Absolutely nothing.J R texted me on Saturday night when I got out of work asking to see me. I asked what he wanted and I got so angry while responding that I replied, If you're asking to hang out because you want to have sex, then don't bother. His response back was probably twice as insulting as my insinuation, You mean no sex forever? If I had known that was the case, maybe I would have fought harder for you to stay. First of all, I don't do post mortem sex. Ever. I get that other people do it during the rebound period or break up period to feel better and "prep" for the next venture in lackluster love but I? I don't believe in fucking the enemy. I mean, he's not the enemy, but once you're off the "list" - you're off the list. In our back and forth text conversation he told me that I was "cold" and "foul" and for a minute, I thought, just maybe, maybe I could have been "nicer" about it. But what for? People don't deserve sugar coatings. When you play fair, you still don't get handled with care. No one ever handed me super glue before breaking my heart, nor did they put a bucket on the floor to catch my tears when they deserted me or abandoned me without reason. At the very least, I am honest when I choose to move on. At least he can move on to whom is his equivalent, and I can live with myself, which is super important to me, because if I can't live with myself then I'm back to hanging on by a thread.
I'm not writing this as a form of self defense for being unscrupulous but more so as a reminder that I don't owe anything to anyone. Never have. It's not do for do, and no, Mahatma Gandhi, no one is going to go blind here. I just happen to think that as long as I am honest, everything else loses it's importance. People have such a hard time telling the truth.
I don't love you that way.
I don't want to have a relationship with you, I just want to sleep with you.
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't see this going anywhere.
How is any of that hard? People will cry, have tantrums, throw fits, etc. But the best part of being human is that nothing stays broken. When your hair falls out, there are multiple products that'll help you grow more. When you heart isn't in good condition, there's a cardiologist to help bring it back to capacity. If the physical things that keeps us alive can function after disaster, why aren't our emotions repairable? Because people aren't honest. There is nothing more bitter than living in someone else's distasteful lies. When someone paints you a picture and destroys it, it's hard to believe there's art to appreciate, in anything.
written on 06/23/2014 at 9:11 A.M.
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