Something grandToday was a good day. I ate well, I took a walk, and although work was a little out of the norm, it was productive. I feel accomplished.
It's not often that I have days that I feel this positive. It's hard to "fetch" around a positive attitude when things just don't seem to be going your way but giving up on hating things and focusing on changing them is opening up my palette for life. Only a few days have passed, granted, but the difference in how I feel is pretty vast. This is going to be a long haul but I'm the only one traveling the path and I accept it. These past few months have stripped away my desire to be relevant to society. People are shallow and they taught me to be shallow. They taught me to look at my imperfections and dislike them. And I grew to hate myself, just like the world hates itself. But I'm tired of being so heartless towards myself because outside of my dysfunctional but faithful family, I'm all I got. Fuck it though, that's more than enough for me. I got myself this far alone. I've spent too much of my life looking for validation from every one else but myself and why? They've never given it. So what's to lose at this point? Not much if you ask me.
I have given up looking, hoping, waiting, etc. So, I have finally decided to say to myself with love,
"M. Let's take care of you baby girl, because you will never reject you again, you will love you in a way no one will ever understand. Yes, you, M. You are everything. You are not just a number in the world, or another body to a man, or a disposable. You are something grand."
written on 06/17/2014 at 9:31 P.M.