Welcome home
I have been trying desperately to stay away from the pathetic state of mind I have been in for the last few days but I can't help this overwhelming feeling that is taking over my chest. The physical presence of self-doubt feels like a pain you can't get rid of, and every time I start to think of solutions my thought process leads me to other shit, and I end up throwing myself one big old pity party. I have said it one too many times, I am so sick of feeling miserable and like I can't win, but the truth is that I can't. My self-esteem has been wrapped up in how others view me for so long that when things don't go right, I wonder if those people who have labeled me all words equivalent to inadequate are right after all.Monday morning past, Angel (the situation) sent me a text message saying that he was "really sorry" but that he had heard from his ex and that old feelings came back and he wanted to see where things go and that he wishes me the best of luck. At first I thought to myself, good riddance but then all these negative feelings started to formulate. I didn't like him the way he wanted me to nor did I allow myself to feel much for him, if anything it was convenient that he would rid me of himself without me having to be the bearer of bad news...but then I thought to myself, he didn't want to stick around anymore. He went back to what was comfortable and safe because I wasn't letting up. The only difference here is that I don't have the safety net of an ex-boyfriend, nor do I want one. But this sure feels like something out of a book. In my own defense, at least I don't string people along when I don't want to be with them. I always take the honest route and bypass the scenic so no one gets taken for a ride. That is the right thing to do, so why do I feel like the universe is getting back at me? I have given up casual encounters, I have given up dating to the point that I have been trying to maintain the "connections" I have with those that are still around, but the irony is that I won't let them get close to me because I just refuse to get hurt. I don't ever want to give anyone the power to hurt me because I'm very much unable to accept pain in exchange for love.
The world has escaped me and I am no longer a resident of reality. Work has been stressful, everything in between is stressful, I mean, I feel like I'm drowning. And how does one continue to be positive when even that seems like a waste of time? Because it does. It really does. I called out of work yesterday and slept in. My instincts speak to me a lot lately so I just don't bother to go above and beyond at anything anymore. I don't know if depression is on it's way or if it's already made itself at home inside of me, but I feel like shit and I don't know how much of this I can stand.
written on 06/13/2014 at 9:34 A.M.
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