On the couch
It's Saturday night and I'm here in my apartment with nothing to do. The hookah is lit, music's on blast, and here I am in this dark abyss. I work two jobs and I'm still some what "broke" - all I do is pay bills. I can't take any real time off to do much and even I wanted to, what the hell would I do? I'm trying to embrace my loneliness, but every so often, like today I am reminded that although I may have some great characteristics and have one hell of a personality... I wreak of man repellent. I am so sick of this. I came home from work last night and slept until 12 noon today. That is so not like me, because I hate feeling like I am wasting a day by staying in bed, but I just felt compelled to lay in bed for longer than usual. When I finally got up, I watched the last of Orange is The New Black, vacuumed and then decided to get dressed and leave my apartment. Do you know where I went? To my mom's. I even went shopping with them. Although they tend to get on my nerves, being with them is kind of like drinking alcohol to numb feelings. When I'm with them I'm absorbed by their pointless conversations. In those conversations my mind is lost and I am in their world... like a drunk, I feel disconnected from anything that hurts, but when the intoxication fades, when I leave them, I am right back where I started.And this music doesn't help any. It's sexy. Music that you'd hear in a club or lounge, body pasted up against a man, promiscuous in touch, heart racing, dripping of sensuality. But I'm here. It's amazing to me how much my self-esteem has decreased. It's almost as if I can't be bothered to love myself enough to be okay with waiting for the "right one" but even Mr. Wrong ignores me. I'm not quite sexy. Not quite feminine. Just not quite. How can I be so smart, so hardworking, so human, and yet not be good enough? Maybe I need to turn this music off? No. My mind is dedicated to fantasizing about what it would be like to be wrapped up in the arms of someone wanting nothing more, than me.
On a brighter note I have decided to stop the pity party. I know these feelings are not going to go away until I can see things changing, but I can't see things changing if I don't do anything about it. When I went shopping with my family I bought a bunch of fruits and other things to start this whole "project". No more eating unhealthily for comfort. We're going to have to man up to get things moving. Because my current state isn't cutting it anymore. We're going to take better care of M, because as it is, there isn't anyone out there who will take care of my heart nor wants to. I have to love myself even if I don't want to.
I don't deserve to be on the couch on a Saturday night.
written on 06/14/2014 at 9:01 P.M.
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