Weeping willow
So, today's my first day of my new part time job. I'm a little anxious, 1.) because I'll be standing on my feet for hours and 2.) I'm a perfectionist - but I think that I'll figure it out, eventually. The irony about being a perfectionist is that I am going at being everything but relationships. I am good at work, great at school, I can bake and cook when I really put my head to it, I'm musically inclined, I mean let's face it, I feel like a cheesecake that doesn't need toppings. Rich and whole. Nothing more nothing less. Working for keep is 1st nature, everything else is in between and my ability to have functional relationships remains to be seen. Thus the insanity.Lugo has been home. I have been encouraging him to do what he needs to do, like, er, looking for jobs. He's been out walking and I don't know what else. Probably texting 20 different females at a time. He seems discouraged and mildly depressed but who am I to call that? I put on a happy face when I'm sad so who's to know the difference? Maybe he's just practicing his sourpuss face. I don't know anymore.
I have gone to the gym two days in a row at 5AM, yay, now to keep it up. Yup, that was silence right? Well, I will have to do it because I'm so sick of feeling fat and ugly, and feeling like since Lugo doesn't want me, no one else does either. I'm sick of feeling incomplete. Right now I am blaming my weight for the shit that's gone wrong in my life, because my fat is the reason I have bills, my fat is the reason I have abandonment issues, my fat is the reason I am single. My fat fought with all my boyfriends. My fat never made an attempt to get along with anything halfway good in my life. Irrational if you ask me, but my fat seems to think differently.
Every day seems to be the same, yet each trial is different. The tribulation deviates from its original form, but the problem never goes too far away. There are answers and tools to fix things, but like a weeping willow, perhaps I feel I rather weep, because it lets me know I am alive. That's how I have gotten through life... through fighting disaster.
But I don't want to be a weeping willow, anymore.
written on 02/25/2014 at 4:03 P.M.
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