ASAP
Denying your true feelings can put you in the most awkward and painful predicaments, like, walking in on your best friend (who you actually have feelings for) making out with some "random" woman while your body's reaction is to squeeze your heart dry of any blood it's trying to pump. Hard to recover from that if you ask me.Friday morning I took Lugo to and from the train station on Friday so he could take care of his medical situation. Friday night when we got home I tried to have a few drinks with him but he was disinterested. Bummer because I did want to drink. Really badly. But anyhow, Saturday while running errands he tells me that he's going out with a "friend" for drinks which made me feel some type of way because he didn't want to drink with me on Friday night but whatever, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Right M? I mentioned I was upset and we sorta kinda argued about it but I just let it be. He went out anyway and I actually hung out with my sister for the night. We went and got hookah and went to dinner and I actually got in PJs with her and went to bed. Around 11:15 he texted me and asked if he could bring her back to the apartment for a drink. I really wanted to say no but I didn't want to be a spoiled sport. I was upset because he was complaining about me bringing my cousins, but of course, he wanted to bring the broad over. She isn't ugly and seemed nice but I was irritated because I could hear him kissing her whenever I left the room. What I don't know won't hurt me and tbat's how I really want Lugo to approach this. Don't do any of this in front of me! I do want to help him and see him get his life in order, but I don't want to see him get anyone else caught up in his web of issues and well, I'm bitter because I did. But it just made me feel so small, so low, so unattractive, so everything but great. This girl comes out of nowhere, does nothing but buys him a few drinks and his lips were all over hers. I think I really played myself by thinking I could function as his friend, because that whole situation left me asking myself why aren't I enough for him?
Perhaps I need to treat him exactly how he has been treating me. He keeps me at arm's length but we're "best friends" and I'm starting to wonder what the description is under that title. But really, how do "best friends" act towards each other? Where is the loop hole in this? The one in which I win some type of consolation prize because I really deserve one.
I am a little ashamed to admit this but I really wanted to hook up with him last night. I don't know if that's what I thought was going to make me feel better but it didn't happen. I just quit while I was ahead, took a Melatonin and went to bed, naked. I felt like it. I woke up at 5 this morning and he actually accompanied me to the gym. I worked out for 45 minutes. I am proud of myself for doing that much with my bruised toes and all (I fell down the stairs on Friday). I was watching him from the corners of my eyes while I was working out. He was pacing back and forth and took his sweet time on the machines. He didn't look the least bit focused nor motivated but according to him, he was treading lightly. So you say Lugo. But truth be told that guy cannot stay focused. He's extremely insecure. I thought I was bad. But he can't keep his hands off of his phone long enough to do anything for himself. Validation through virtually mobile relations. Wow, I just had a crazy realization.
I started thinking that the solution to all of this would be to do something to give him a taste of his own medicine, like bringing a guy around, dressing sexy, or just being very nonchalant, but then again I don't want to be a manipulative prude because I am not. I don't want to find myself do-for-do with Lugo when he does what he does. What am I proving? That I'm not his friend? That I don't have his best interest at heart? Gosh, I don't know how to handle this. I just want to get in shape and feel better about myself, work and pay my bills and enjoy life a little. I love Lugo. God I really do. But I am literally creating my own heartache by expecting something from someone who has no love to give himself. None at all. He doesn't care about that girl. She just gives him the validation that he needs. She doesn't know him like I do, and that's why she has the "upper hand" - she doesn't know how poisoned he is. And to think, I was jealous. I don't want to be in the middle of that... or anywhere near it. I have to take a detach 101 course like, ASAP.
written on 02/24/2014 at 8:44 A.M.
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