Train wrecks
My first day at the store wasn't too bad except by the time it was 7:30 I wanted to personally gnaw my legs off. I went to the gym both Monday and Tuesday and did the elliptical and treadmill machines back to back. Although I sit at work for most of the day, standing for four hours without sitting totally trumped that 8 hours I spent on my ass. In the middle of my break I got a text from Lugo telling me that he would really like to get to NY on Wednesday morning versus Thursday morning like he had planned. My curiousity was peaked so I asked, "Is everything ok?" He replied, basically explaining that he "had it" with P yesterday while we were working out (he must have walked out of the gym twice to argue with her in the whole 45 minutes we were there!) and he's desperate to get her out of his life for good. At some point he asked her to hold some jewelry that he was going to give to his son as a sentimental gift when the time came, but the argument was so "explosive" that he no longer trusts her with his pricey belongings and he wanted it back.Funny.
In the time that I've gotten to know Lugo he has been my science experiment, proving ultimately to me that the cliche saying, old habits die hard is not in fact a cliche, but a true and factual s statement. Once poison is consumed it is hard to detox yourself of it's dangerous components. She is his poison, and although there is no love triangle here, sometimes I feel like he is mine. I know very well that he is fully incompetent when it comes to managing relationships with tact and in a healthy manner so it doesn't surprise me that he detaches himself when there's nothing to be angry or frustrated about. He's been polluted with so much negativity that when there is none, he's confused. I have forced myself not to feed into his mayhem. I don't hang around him. I mind my own business, I lay in my bed, I listen to my music, and when bed time comes around I sleep well. I kid you not, I feel alive and well. I will not encourage the drama and he sees this. I leave him alone in his misery. He hates it. Of course I'd love to wrap him up in my arms, kiss his face, lips, and be held by him but in the same note, I am not that desperate. Either that or I have great will power. They are equally exceptional in terms of handling my feelings for him, but truth be told, I just prefer to not be confused.
I have been one of those people before, confused and therefore confusing others. Never exactly sure what side of the road you'd cross today. Some days I'd be completely smitten by whomever I would be talking it up with, and the next, it was almost like a flip of a switch. Whatever I felt would evaporate and I'd be disinterested and distant. I can't imagine how I made them feel because it's still hard to fully embrace how he has made me feel.
In any event, I just hope and pray for the birth of some miracle for either of us. For me, to turn my empty insides out and allow them to be filled by something positive be it some magical form of pleasure and for him, to be rid of his toxicity and for him to be awakened by the passion to do something other than be addicted to crack in the form of a woman. We are both weak, him by love and poison, and me by loneliness and displacement. I hate for our transformations to be a competition, but to watch him in the distance, is like watching a train wreck.
He'll be back on Friday, we'll see if he survived.
written on 02/26/2014 at 4:21 P.M.
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