Jail break
Is it possible to be swimming in a sea of people, yet feel like you are alone and drowning? Because the impossible is possible as far as I know. And I feel like the lifeguard on duty can see me wailing my hands for help but thinks I should sink into an abyss because I'm just another number. There's no value to my life. What an empty feeling to have. Just another broken heart, just another disconnected soul, wandering in a maze with no hope of finding the light at the end of the tunnel.I know what I want, but I'm afraid to do it. Afraid of the repercussions. I'm going to have to tell my sister that I am moving for sure. Even though we had the "conversation" turned argument on Saturday I still think she feels as if I will not leave. Comical really because neither of us think I have the balls. I don't have the balls to tell her I'm leaving and she doesn't think I have the balls to leave. And I'd hate to go about this the same way I did when I moved back with my ex.
I am my own worst enemy, because I feel like I must move in secrecy. It's tiring and exhausting, yet I can't snap myself out of thinking that I have to slide through life undetected. The last time I moved out with my ex, we had a temporary rift and I came back home for about a week to bawl my eyes out and get myself together. My parents gave me agony over it. They really threw me under the bus, tractor trailer, monster truck, er I think you get where I am going with this. They threatened all kinds of mayhem, and they did it too. Like they told my grandma that my ex would go down to the basement and do drugs, which they assumed simply because the man took his time in the restroom ....weird assumption. But they wanted everyone to be on their side. They wanted people to believe I had no business moving out. I wasn't capable of making decisions for my well being. And thus the act of imposition began. You know how I managed to move back with ex in 2012? One day during work I told my boss that I had an appointment. The night before I packed all my washed and dried laundry in my hamper and left it by the side of the bed. I took my sister to work and left for my "appointment" at 10, grabbed the hamper and some of my other belongings, drove it over to the apartment and went back to work likw I never left. My sister had no idea that I left work. When it was time to leave work, I drove home but I didn't get out of the car. I dropped my sister off and went home to my ex. I felt like a WIMP for doing it, but that's how I escaped.
2 years later and I still feel like I need a prisoner's escape route in order to leave.
written on 02/11/2014 at 2:29 P.M.
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