Half-assed
My brain is on overload. It's been running thoughts of disorder for days now and I'm confused and unsure of how to decipher any of it. Lugo finally called me yesterday to tell me that he had "accidentally" put his phone on Do not Disturb and that he was sending out texts (which is why I kept getting the why are you ignoring me? text messages) but he wasn't receiving any until his aunt called him and asked him why he wasn't responding to her's. I asked him if he didn't think it weird that I wasn't responding to him because I always do but he just responded, I texted you several times. I suppose I wasn't speaking english. Shrug. Anywho, we talked for a few and he shared that he had gone on a job interview for a distributing & packaging place in the city and that he would call me once he got back to White Plains but of course I didn't hear from him again. I waited six hours before texting him again. He responded about an hour later. In the interim, I was out to dinner with my sister who had revealed to me that she knew that I had sent him $200. The "story" behind that had to do with the fact that his health insurance with the state had terminated due to non-renewal and completion of required paperwork while he was incarcerated. With his urgent medical condition he needed to be able to get some of his meds to function until emergency medicaid reinstated his insurance, which would take 30 days. I had the extra funds, his meds were essential, and so I sent the money. Back to my sister --- She went through my purse and saw the transaction receipt. At first, I became numb and wanted to yell at her for invading my privacy, but I just decided to keep quiet. I had been pestering her all day about her mood because she seemed so off, she wouldn't say anything, but now I wish I would have just stopped nagging her when I had the chance. But whatever. She nagged for a good long while about giving my money "away", adding that she wished she had extra money and that I should be cautious. But let's not play the pointing game. When I needed money in the past, Lugo handed it over. One hand scratches the other. End of story. I texted Lugo when I got home and he responded saying he was accompanying someone on a ride to Long Island. I didn't like the way it sounded so I just said that I was sorry for bothering him and that I would talk to him later. He texted back, Bother me really???? and I just left the conversation dead and fell asleep.
I woke up around 2 AM to messages from him asking me what I was doing and if I was up.
Of course I couldn't help myself... I texted him back saying I'm sorry and
that I had fallen asleep. In no time I had gotten paragraphs of text messages from him. I read
them a few times over to be sure of what I was reading, the proclamation could not be any clearer:
I made myself and you a promise when I was in jail M that I would follow in your footsteps and use you as my inspiration and motivation and I'm going to keep that promise. You asked me where I need to be and the answer is with you M. I want us to be best friends. I don't stand a chance if I stay in this area. Last night I was around people places and things that will lead me right to my funeral. M in raw honesty I need you more than I ever needed anybody ever in my life. I say I don't know why I feel like I trust you with my life and why I feel so secure when we are together and talking about making this happen. This mission. This goal. This turnaround. But I know exactly why. You're everything anyone could ever want to be. I'm older than you and I can say I have been through it all but it's of no substance my past my history everything I have ever been through was stupid, negative, unreal and I'm ready to walk away and start a new beginning. This will not be a burden and it will probably stress you out at times. But I promise we will look back in a couple of years and toast to a job well done bop. Let's do it M. I'm ready.
My heart hurts because I know he means it. I have to help him, somehow.
written on 01/10/2014 at 2:39 P.M.
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