Ever since I became a mother, I do a whole lot of nothing. I don't know where my friends are, I don't know where my self-confidence is, don't know where a lot of things are. I got caught up in temptation and I engaged in conversation in other men when J was locked up, and it came back to haunt me, even though I never met up with these guys or slept with them. Bottom line: Don't do anything that you can't explain when you get caught. I should have known better, because I suffered some major self-esteem issues when he did it to me. Although part of me feels justified, the reality is, it was still wrong. Treat people how you want to be treated. But my insecurities are now plaguing my life continuously, and I can't teach my daughter how to love herself when her mother doesn't love herself. I'd be a living, breathing, walking, talking hypocrite.
It's hard to explain but life shouldn't feel like this. Like you're alone. But they say, you're not alone. yeah? Do you know what it is like to not have an outlet. No one to call. And if you do find someone to call, you know they won't pick up. At the end of the day, no one is responsible for carrying me, I get that... but as many people as I've been there for and carried throughout my 30 years of life, no one carries me. People treat me like shit, and yet I turn around and hand them my heart as if they didn't just finish stomping on it. When you take poor treatment, it is a reflection of your lack of self-love. Why don't I love myself?
I spent so much of my life trying to get people to love me (even though I always expected them not to) and when they didn't, it felt like the biggest rejection of all time. And then, the rejection happened over, and over, and over to the point that it was more than the saying, if at first you don't succeed, pick yourself up and try again. (that was Aaliyah actually) -- but no, really --- too much trying to the point that the failures just got out of control and the rejection felt like the only reality I would ever face for the rest of my life. Even though I am a mom today, by the grace of God, I fear that I am going to spend my life searching for myself in other people's love. I don't know what it's going to take to stop searching outside, and just pull myself out from within.
Life ain't fuckin' fair.
7:24 P.M. - 08/25/2016