If I had to be completely honest about how my life is going, the truth is, it's pretty shitty. I am in a relationship with someone that I love deeply, but at the same time, I do not trust. It's heartbreaking, because, I am having his child. I always dreamed regardless of what happened between my mother and I, that when I grow up, I will have the same structure for my child. A mom and a dad, a whole family. Not that my child-to-be can't have us both, I just don't know if we'll ever be that cohesive unit that I long desired to have. And to be married. I don't know why, but marriage has always been one of my deepest desires. But these days, that title means nothing. It's actually a trap, a trap that binds you to someone long enough to damage you. Moreso than a relationship, moreso than anything else. I want to be married. Happily. To the love of my life. And to never feel like there is someone better than me. Even if there is. I just want to know that my feet are planted firmly and rooted in love and life. All I want is to be good enough and worthy. I want my man to look at me and see the rest of his life. Just like how I am dead in love with him and can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I miss him when he's not around, I miss his laugh, the wrinkles at the side of his eyes when he grins. I miss the prickles of when he kisses me and the stubbles brushes against my face. When we are together, it's like I can't get enough. I am smitten by his touch, his street smart, strong arms, and gentle eyes. And I want that back. I don't know what void it will fill, but sometimes I am convinced with that type of love. My cup runneth over. But I am replaceable. At least I feel that way. I don't feel any closer to being his happily ever after now that I am pregnant. And it hurts. God, it hurts.
I have done a few things I am not so proud of. Including spying on his facebook messages, and even GPS'ing him from time-to-time. The reality though is that he had been talking to other women behind my back, and quite possibly, sleeping with them, including his ex-wife. I confronted him about it when in reality, I probably should have kept it to myself, but the ache in my heart wanted to be felt and I wanted to own my sorrow. Things went from good-to-bad in a flash because I chose to reveal what I knew. Am I ashamed of what I did? Yes. Sometimes I feel like I ruined my relationship by snooping, but my self-esteem had walked through this road before. I don't know why, but I have a knack for picking men than validate my lack of self-esteem. I am a romantic, but I am with someone who is not romantic. I can count on my hands the number of times he has ever told me that I am beautiful, and that is none. He tells me my hair looks cute, but that's as much as I'll get on a lucky day. I've never gotten a heart felt card with a declaration of love, nor have we ever really made love. Obviously I need to revamp my security, because no woman should need validation from anyone, but I have never ended up in a relationship with a man who loved me more than I loved him. And I know my insecurities get in the way, but this nagging feeling that I am about to go down this dark path of rejection keeps gnawing at my intestines. So, what am I supposed to do?
I can work on my self-esteem and hope that my relationship gets better before my baby is born but that is going to require some serious soul searching. And I miss my soul. I miss everything about myself. Because I have been lost, for a long time now. And I want my baby to know that despite mommy's flaws, that I'm not so bad.
6:23 P.M. - 08/03/2015