Por Que?
The sky opened up it's soul for the rain to pour out of today. I can't help but feel that if I had the time to cry, I'd probably be bawling just as uncontrollably.I'm still on my quest to live in positivity but it's becoming a tad difficult to keep up with. I was catching up on episodes of my new guilty pleasure on TV, Mistresses and I was watching episode 204 where the Psychologist, Karen has a nervous breakdown. Okay, I know this is TV but she had a nervous breakdown. Which means, just about anyone can have a nervous breakdown. Therefore, me having a nervous breakdown is completely permissible. She was the fifth and solo guest to a dinner date that her friend April invited her to as she was introducing her new beau. The moment that hit home for me was when Karen had her meltdown in the middle of dinner. The scene was set up so well that I started crying before it happened. "I'm lonely." she says, and I can't share it with anyone because I don't think they'll understand.
PREACH homegirl.
My fear of rejection is the cause and effect of the lack of happiness in my life. It prohibits me from being able to trust in who I am.
I'm cringing as I write this but I am well aware of my "pretty face" - but I am plus sized. Fuck it. I'm a big girl. And for whatever reason, many of the men I have come across via online dating have chosen not to get to know me past my physical appearance. It's discouraging. The few in my last round of dating that have showed "interest" ended up just wanting to have sex. I'm not sure what the perception is of big women, but I perceived it as men see larger women as insecure and desperate and will be an easy target for a quick lay. I don't understand why I have to wait patiently for Prince Charming. Like hello, get off your white horse, I've been waiting here since 2004. I hate writing about my loneliness and inability to attract a decent partner but it's what consumes me and basically makes me feel happy or sad. Some days I just feel like I'm being punished, and maybe God or the Universe is getting back at me for dismissing someone who was good for me, but I was too vain to notice. Yes, I was once very vain. But seriously, have I not been put through enough? I thoroughly believe I paid my debt to society, the mirror and etc but enough is enough.
I don't know what to do anymore. Changing my attitude, my perception, staying positive, working out... I feel like all of this is in vain and that no matter what I do, I am not worthy of the one person who will love me unconditionally. I just want to know why.
written on 07/14/2014 at 3:43 P.M.
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