By the hair
My sister enjoyed her birthday, her fiancee showed up and woo'ed her and he's moving to town to live with her come October. Yes, what you sense there is a tad bit of jealousy. I can't deny that I was happy seeing my sister happy. It was like he re-lit the fire to her stagnant candle. She was boisterous, smiling, and overflowing with personality. My sister who had walked around for over a year, half dead, had come back to life fully rejuvenated. It was almost as if that year of dormancy between those two never happened. I have to laugh at myself...I'm really and truly jealous.I dislike the fact that I'm not kinder to myself, but this no longer surprises me. I spend so much time obsessing over what's wrong with me that I never own the good. So I'm sitting here in silence, alternating between being indifferent and jealous. I don't want to get close to anyone because I can't afford to wear my heart on my sleeve. There's too much at stake. My life has been a series of unfortunate events. Not tragic, just unfortunate. I feel dull and I'm bitter because of it. How do I light my own fire? I have struggled with these feelings for years. Some days are better than others, while most remain indifferent. I don't ever want to feel vulnerable, because the end result of me allowing my fear to take a back seat is always utter disappointment. Shit never fails to fail.
I finally cleared my benchwarmers. I dismissed "Bonez", a guy that I just "hung out" with every so often and for him it was nothing but an opportunity to move on to a more willing participant. He texted me asking to hang, but I knew he was looking to hook up. I had put an end to allowing casual encounters months ago. It's bad enough that I feel so unworthy, at least I can count on the fact that I won't feel unworthy because I was rejected after a hook up. At least not ever again. Goodness that sounds pathetic. I gave him the boot and his response was, "What do you mean you're done? Are you done for tonight? Or like, are we done forever?" My first impression was Wow, am I that passive that I can't be taken seriously? so I rolled up my sleeves and texted back, "We're done...forever." while plastering a smug look of satisfaction on my face, only to have him reply back, "Understandable. take care." I cringed with embarrassment. We never hooked up, thank goodness, but he had been hinting that he wanted to. Grabbing me and asking for me to strip for him whenever we hung out, all the while laughing while suggesting, but nonetheless meaning it. I'd brush him off, so much that he'd leave as quickly as he'd got here so I suppose he felt no loss by me walking away because I didn't give it up. But he's not the one writing about it today, is he?
I have to take all of this self-inflicted insecurity by the hair, deal with it and put it behind me because while everyone else gets to move on without a second thought, I'm sitting here sifting through memories of how I handled things, wondering where I went wrong. Not because any of them were good, but because I just want to figure out what I'm doing wrong.
I got less than five hours of sleep last night, and I'm guesstimating five being the higher end. I'm just so over the monotony of everything. I guess I have to take this bitch called insecurity by the hair and deal with her accordingly.
written on 07/07/2014 at 8:35 A.M.
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