Ducks in a row

Bittersweet are the desires that we can't stand to have. I love the emptiness of my space, the sanctity of my peace of mind, the lack of responsibility for anyone's heart but my own. But I miss the warmth of a touch, the suffocating bliss of love's craziness, and the honor that comes with being the protector of someone's heart. I embrace being alone, because I have never been clear on who I was until I was alone but the loneliness? ...That loneliness still feels like the hardest pill to swallow.

I'm not jaded by the fact that I am lonely. But I do think that now that I have stopped filling my voids with temporary forms of affection, it's so much easier to see the big picture.

The big picture.

I want my soul to be touched, my heart to be kissed. I want to feel fiercely able to conquer the world, because there's a him. They say, focus on fixing yourself, focus on that, they say, they say. Who the fuck is they? And why does there have to be a right time to find forever? I have come to the conclusion though that I am inhibiting my growth, and by chasing after short-lived affection I am only causing myself to feel the loneliness more than I should. I want what I want, and I have learned to differentiate.

I thought I had gotten all my ducks in a row, but I haven't. I thought I broke free of any attachments that were flagrant before me, but there is still JR who lingers. He won't go away without a fight. Why are you fighting? I do not love you.Why would you want to fight for someone who does not love you? I learned the hard way that if you do not know where you stand with someone, it's time for you to walk away. I have literally run away from every single man that gave me sick knots in my stomach. Why won't you do the same JR? I wish I understood people. But fuck, I don't understand myself. Go away though, please. I'm fighting for myself, and you're fighting for this skewed idea that I just might be the one.

...I am the one, just not your one.

written on 06/04/2014 at 9:22 A.M.
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