Ready Set, no?
My birthday is 31 days away. I just want to have a normal birthday for once, one where I feel more than just grateful to be alive, a birthday that I'm actually happy to have. Perhaps I am putting too much emphasis on the need to be loved, but I do feel very unlovable. I look around me and I see people enjoying what I am yearning for. I want to be as attracted to you as you are to me. I want to be as in love with you as you are with me. I'm starting to wonder if I am not being fair to J R and the few who have given me consistent attention. I have been been managing to spend an equal amount of time with all, and I just don't know what it is, but I don't feel anything. I am so tired of not feeling anything at all. J R treats me well, but all we do when we're together is get high and have sex, in the middle of that we exchange daily texts. I want the genuine connection, someone who yearns to spend time with me the way I yearn to be around someone, but I am convinced that I am out of my mind and I am just looking for a dead end street, because what I want, I may not ever have. What if this is the best I'll ever get?Happily ever after? What's that? I am learning to love myself in small doses. So far, I have earned the feeling of accomplishment. To date, I am 27 years old, no children, working two jobs, with my own place and job. I am a highly independent woman. As far as everything else, like, er, my body? I am just sick of looking at myself sometimes. I wish I could just get rid of all of this weight. I mean I can, but I know I hide behind it a lot, so sometimes I just don't bother to work at it, but for sanity's sake, maybe getting rid of it will add to my self worth? *shrug*
I have got to do something. Because nothing is happening on it's own, and out of all things, I should have known that nothing happens unprovoked.
written on 05/07/2014 at 8:41 A.M.
-