Migraines

I knew deep down in my heart that there was an inevitable end to Lugo and I's "friendship", but then again who was I kidding? A friendship means mutual reciprocation and in my case, I was a friend, a really good one too but I didn't have one in him. People make time for what they will make time for. He never lifted a finger or wasted a breath. I knew all too well. The optimist in me was cracked out.

The two hour drive to NY wasn't bad. I told him in so many words that I knew that he would never be there for me, and that he taught me a valuable lesson in life, how to be self-reliant. He didn't say much, he stayed silent and shook his hand some, and went back to texting. I took Lugo to get the key to their new "home" from his beloved Pamela and then drove him to the apartment like the jackass that I am. After he unloaded, we said bye, no hugs or verbal exchanges of gratitute or love, no nothing. Although he took up a good year of my life that I can't get back, I would have felt a little less bitter about the time wasted had he said thank you for everything. But he didn't. I was shooed off like a cab driver, except with no pay for my mileage or tip for my service. The follow up to that slap in the face was probably an hour into my drive home he texted me asking if I was OK, I said yes, and he replied saying Thank you, that he loved me, and that I wouldn't be out of his life. Well, I haven't heard from him since, and I know all too well that I'll probably never hear from Lugo again.

It's done with.

Perhaps I am confused by what I really feel, but I just feel so used and abused. I feel like damaged goods and I am convinced that unless I don't go out of my way to let people know that I am damaged, I definitely walk around like I am. It's almost like I want people to pity me to the point that they'll never hurt me, but in all cases that I've attempted to earn sympathy, all I've gotten was more disappointment. I am afraid that this cycle of being hurt is going to keep me weak or turn me into a heartless woman. Either way, I'm tired of it all. Lugo was never any good for me. He drained me of my happiness because he required so much, but I gave in, because I was desperate to feel something, and now that he's gotten what he wanted, I'm discarded like yesterday's trash and feeling less than human while he is happy. And even if he's not happy, he's not alone.

I have my share of men to date and flirt with but my heart is afraid to commit, like I want someone to be automatically smitten with me the way I am, when I fall in love so quickly. I want someone to like me so much that it hurts, but that's me wanting someone to cure my insecurities. I don't know how I'm going to cure them anymore. I can't remedy my life. Everything just feels like a neverending migraine that'll never go away.

written on 03/26/2014 at 2:18 P.M.
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