No turning back
You know that overused saying? You can't have your cake and eat it too? Well, why the hell not? What's the purpose of getting cake if you can't eat it? If I wanted cake as an ornament, I'd get one from Pier 1 or something. I wouldn't get a perfectly consumable piece of cake if I couldn't eat it. What is wrong with wanting to have a relationship with my family while being on my own? What's wrong is that any form of self-sufficiency in their eyes is equivalent to neglect of them. What's wrong is that cake will never satisfy their sweet tooth even though there's enough sugar.I spent Saturday afternoon going back and forth with my sister, yet again, about why I needed to move out and go out on my own. Her response was the same and she even got choked up about it which I understood the reason behind it, but it's just all too much. This trying to be civil yet be assertive shit isn't working and it's kind of making me want to scream. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up having Tourette's. Okay, that's not something that I should joke around about but seriously, fuck it, my nerves are just as shot as the next person's, probably doubly. I'm so done with this. I'm waiting on the leasing agent to call me today so that I know what my security deposit is, as soon as I have an answer I'm signing that lease and I'm getting the hell out of purgatory.
I spoke to Lugo via text on Friday after seeing my great grammy. I didn't ask him what happened but I did mention that he was distant with me and that I hoped he was okay. All he said was that he needed to purge stuff out of his system and all of it is behind him now. I know Lugo so well that I know when he is going through a weak moment, because he is distant and vague. I know his patterns so well that they no longer affect me in an emotional way. It's almost expected, these once-a-week mood swings I suppose, but I am no longer focused on how he makes me feel, but how I've been allowing myself to feel on account of him. I have to stop feeling so responsible for other people's emotions and start being accountable for my own. I often sacrifice my peace of mind so that someone else can find their own. I confuse myself, no one else does. And enough is enough. Sigh. Yes I said it out loud. Enough is enough.
So the plan is that this week as soon as I hear from the leasing agent, I'm going to move, get some furniture, go to my interview on Wednesday morning, and then go from there. The important thing is that I don't turn back. No. No turning back.
written on 02/10/2014 at 8:34 A.M.
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