Twist of fate
Seriously. FML. I would spell it out, but there's enough screwing going on in my life, that I probably don't need to.Just when I thought all was well Lugo texts me yesterday, it seemed off but I paid no attention to it. I asked him yesterday while texting, "So do I have to come get you in PA?" and he responds back, "IDK yet." I said, "Ok" and left it at that. About twenty minutes later he sends me a barrage of messages, "We need to talk." My stomach started turning. Every time he says, We have to talk it's never good.
So I called him. He sounded out of it, almost high maybe, but usually when he's stressed out he sounds like he can't compose himself. I said to him,
"What's wrong? What do you want to talk to me about?"
He giggled for a second, probably because he knew he sounded like an idiot, "M, I want to work things out with P."
insert shock to the brain.
I responded, "Okay."
He said, "Did you hear me?"
"Yes. I don't know what to say. If that's what's going to make you happy. Then, go ahead."
"I love her but the trust is not there. "
"I don't know what to say. This is giving me anxiety."
"Um, let me get my thoughts together, I'll call you right back."
"Ok."
Finally, he texted me,
Lugo: Did we not decide to put the past in the past and be friends and that's what we are just friends. Your only concern is that I get on my feet and that if I move in with you you have your space and I sleep in the living room? And that we are not an item.
Me:Of course, that's not what is giving me anxiety.
Lugo:What's giving you anxiety?
Me:As your friend, I want to see you happy & successful. Although the move is primarily for me. I thought it good for you to be somewhere where the environment is different and you have more chances for growth, employment and opportunity to go to school. You've told me day in and day out about the things that have stressed you out. And up to this morning you asked me not to leave you stranded. So the anixety comes from the fact that you may want to deviate from the plan. But whatever is going to make you happy Lugo, I'm all for it. Just let me know...
Lugo:Give me a few minutes I'm acting out of emotion. I love P but I know she's no good for me. I have a weakness. I know going with you is the right move
Me: Okay
Lugo:Idk y I can't walk away. Idk what's wrong with me. And I know if I stay I will regret it.
Me:Love is like that sometimes but you gotta take care of Lugo.
Lugo: It must be that I really don't love Lugo enough to fix Lugo. Smh. But I know in my heart I need to do this and I don't know where the strength is but I need to find it.
Me: But that's the first step, love yourself first.
Lugo: I know.
Me: You said it yourself, you know it's going to be stressful but once you make the moves it'll be worth the mayhem. Why waste another minute delaying the work? Only to wonder a year later why you waited so long?
Lugo: I know.
Yes, I still have feelings for Lugo. But it's not my feelings for him that is making this feel so awful. I know I shouldn't judge anyone but P is not good for him right now. She was a high-end escort out in AZ for years, when she moved to Queens she did the same thing and ended up in rehab for drug & alcohol addiction, and as recently as two weekends ago she slept with some guy for $500 while bartending. I'm not saying that she's not worthy of love, because we as humans, regardless of what we have done deserve unconditional love from somewhere, but I just don't see how she will be doing him any good. It's not my battle to fight, but I just don't see any good coming out of it. Not to mention, if he will be staying with me, I don't want her anywhere near me, in my space, in my apartment. If he wants to be with her, go see her on the weekends, and figure it out that way. I'm so disgusted it's not even funny.
I should have just said OK, and let it be. Let him get that nice shock of reality. I felt my body almost sighing a bit of relief because quite possibly I wouldn't have to move as quickly if he wasn't going to be a factor. I could take my time and save a little more money. But he called back an hour later and said that he wants to come and he hopes that him talking to her isn't a problem. I said it's not, I just don't want any problems arising because of it. He said I had his word that she would not cause any problems. I'm just floored. On one of the nights that he stayed with me he expressed how draining it was to deal with her. I want to help him, but this...this is outside of my realm. What a twist of fate.
written on 02/04/2014 at 8:16 A.M.
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