Closest thing
I prematurely wrote an entry today because I was not expecting my mother to do the unthinkable... respond to the text message I sent to her 5 days ago. I spent most of today pissed off because I had to play nice with my sister. It's tough resenting people in silence. I don't know how others do it, but it's frustrating. I prefer being here because of my bed, really, solely because of my bed and because I just rather be here until I hear word on the apartment. This kind of scheming is exhausting.Back to the text message - I didn't expect her to text about unicorns and rainbows but I expected something on the lighter side. Maybe agreement, remorse, something that reeked of ownership. Ownership for her behavior, her words, everything that she said and done that was monster like. But no. She insists that I owe her an apology because I hurt her feelings, that I am selfish, that I make bad choices all the time without thinking of how they affect other people and even insists that when shit hits the fan in my life, I allegedly turn to her to help clean up the mess I made. Hmmm. It took everything in me not to text her back paragraphs of instances in which I always put my family before myself but I didn't go that route. I stood firm that maybe I should have went about things with Lugo differently, but their overall behavior was uncanny and distasteful and I was able to see their lack of regard for me, my feelings, my privacy and my choices even as a 27 year old woman. She didn't budge, and told me again, that the choice was mine, I could leave if I wanted to. I guess she knows I've reached the end of my season here.
So, it didn't go the way I wanted it to. I can make peace with that because in the least, I wanted her to respond. I can say with a clear conscience that I initiated the conversation and genuinely apologized for hurting my mother. I remained sensitive and tried my best to not make her cry. Meanwhile I haven't stopped crying since...
written on 02/01/2014 at 5:06 P.M.
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