Bubblegum
I guess it's time for me to get out of my feelings and stop being doubtful of myself and the future. Although I wish it were not so, many of my friends are going through worse. I don't know what to title it, but it's all sorts of messy. A lot messier than my own chaos. My issue is my guilt. The "lack" of relationship I'll have with my family once I move. Will there be resentment from them? The worst I'd be losing from walking away from my family is the small luxuries that I currently have. Like cable, the ability to get toiletries because my mom is an extreme couponer and stock piles everything, and maybe batteries. Selfish of me to even think about those things as a loss especially when there are people who survive with much less than I have. I have a car, a job, and I get a paycheck. I have just got to learn how to manage on less and get comfortable with being uncomfortable.While I am busy being burnt out by stressing over those things I am also living like a depressed person. I am working 12 hour work days and then coming home to sit idly on the couch and smoke hookah until it makes me queasy. Yesterday I keeled over in the couch because I was breathless from puffing nonstop. Sounds like I'm a crackhead in the making but really, the fly on the wall watching would probably call me pathetic. What is the source of this unhappiness? What is this sadistic obsession with being miserable? Maybe I should come home and take a nice hot shower, turn on the music, and meditate some. Reflect and breathe. Say thank you to the heavens for all that is still good in my world and just go to sleep and be prepared for a new day to try it all over again. But no. That's not simple enough. I need complication and that's how I know I have got to get out of this toxic mindset. Why wish for simplicity when you push it aside to welcome complexity? Makes no sense!
I guess my mother is trying to wave her white flag because she bought me breakfast this morning. She never replied to my text, but I suppose that was her way of saying "touch�" - Shrugs. But since when is offering food equivalent to saying, I'm sorry? it's not. The breakfast was a "nice" gesture but it doesn't trump an apology.
I'm over thinking again. Stop it. I'm moving out. I have to. Even if the things done and words thrown around were not meant it's not going to change the fact that we are all unhealthily wrapped up in each other's lives. We are all so dependent on each other that growth is stunted. I have to find the strength to grow even when I think it might hurt or else I have no business asking, "why me?" And I have no business asking because I chose to stay stuck in this cycle. We fight, we break up, we kiss, we makeup. My life is a Katy Perry song. And the oxymoron in that is that the only thing bubblegum about my life is that things keep getting sticky and stuck in my hair..and shit is definitely not sweet.
written on 01/30/2014 at 9:10 A.M.
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