Umbilical Cord
I swear the Universe keeps trying to tell me to put on my big girl underpants and stop over thinking the situation. The thing about my brain is that I am a problem solver and I seek solutions through and through until I get one. I assume that the key to conquering my vicious inner nemesis who keeps me flip flopping is to just man up. I keep secretly hoping that my mother is going to reach out to me and say that she is sorry, or that she feels remorse for her actions, words, anger, the invasion of my privacy...but that is me being optimistic and hopeful about someone who believes her words are always meant to be the last and that there is no such thing as an apology. I have tried to peel off my mother's hard layers to see her for who she is, but every time I try to, it gets more difficult to get to the core. There's a hidden layer I have yet to reach, and like an onion, you can peel it but it will make you cry while you do it. It's difficult to decode someone who takes pride in being so guarded. And that whole blood is thicker than water stuff? Blood can choke, drown, intoxicate and kill you and so can water. They are one in the same sometimes. What bothers me is this vision that I had of my family for so long. We were exceptionally close but it wasn't a healthy bond. For years I fed into the idea that family means everything. But see, we can't pick and choose who becomes related by blood. We can only hope for the best and even if we are dealt a sucky hand of disappointments we just have to go with the flow. Or do we?I really hope that in the near future my mother and I can reconcile our relationship. I cannot live my life in happy fashion without having a relationship with her. Whether it's us being able to resume going out to dinner and going shopping together, or simply being able to pick up the phone and ask how she's doing without fearing if she'll talk to me or not... I want to have my mother somewhere in my life. But first I have to detox. I have to detach, get rid of the poison, and move forward from that point. I sent my mother a text this morning because I could not stand the fact that my sister came over to me while at work yesterday and said to me that she (mom) wanted to speak to me but she didn't know if I would talk to her. I found it irritating simply because she had no issues hurting my feelings and saying the nasty things that she said to me on Friday, so how is it that all of a sudden she's afraid to speak to me? Nonetheless, the text simply said, "Hi. I know we are not speaking to each other but I just wanted to say sorry for hurting your feelings. I hope that one of these days we can make our relationship work." So there. I did it. I apologized for being the second variable in the problem, I made the initiative. If she doesn't respond or reach out, then I know that I do not have to harbor guilt because I tried.
I keep thinking of different things that are going to come up when it's time to get this apartment. How am I going to move everything? Etc. But I suppose any hint of doubt will make you think things are impossible, and I can't think like that. I'd be letting self-doubt win when I have conquered much larger demons to date. I have a handful of friends who have been supportive, and being able to write here and express my thoughts without feeling like an asshole for it, makes it all feel like in the end cutting the proverbial umbilical cord will be worth it.
written on 01/29/2014 at 9:04 A.M.
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