You are not needed

It's funny how I have been shaking in fear because I eventually have to tell my family that I am moving out (once I finalize the apartment) and then in conversation with my sister yesterday I come to find out that they have already decided how they are going to move on from this situation. My sister is either going to move back in with my parents and they are going to rent the house, or my sister is going to stay and my parents will help her manage my half of the rent. I find the latter funny because my mother begins harping from the 20th of the month to remind my sister and I that rent is due on the 1st of the month. Shrugs. But what did I expect? My mother said it while arguing with me on the phone on Friday, I am not needed and my money makes no difference to her. I was told to get the fuck out of her house. So why did I expect anything other than indifference to my being there? I guess that was the validation I needed to be confident about my decision to leave and move on. In the midst of all this misery I am going to bed at the senior bedtime hours of 8 & 9 PM because it just feels confusing to be awake. How long does confusion really last?

I am trying to remain positive about everything. I must have sat and did my budget for overall expenses about four separate times yesterday only to find out that I'll be getting by with mere dollars and cents left in my account until I get paid again. Is leaving and finding my own source of happiness worth that struggle? Absolutely. I'm just a little saddened that this is what it is going to take for my family and I to get along. For years my mother has chewed me out about little things, and her behavior had always been animalistic. And now that my sister was grown up, she had become a living replica of my mother and I couldn't run far enough. I refuse to go into my 28th birthday feeling inadequate about my life and so, as scary as all of this is, I'm going to suck it up and do what's best for me no matter what my fear has to say about it. I'm just so confused. Why do I feel guilty for wanting to run far away?

written on 01/28/2014 at 8:41 A.M.
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