Changes
Things cannot get any worse, or can they?Friday night when I got home from work I told Lugo to pack what he wanted to take to PA and anything else we'd leave in my room. I had spoken to him in confidence and shared the fact that I was really unhappy with the way things were going. Each day got worse. She was meaner to Lugo and when he wasn't around, she was meaner to me. I had my mind made up, I am moving. I told him he could keep some of his stuff here because it would just be too much to carry it all to PA. If he came back to WP to visit, I would bring it up with me when I came to visit. In the meanwhile I didn't want to give up on trying to be there for him so I would do that much for him. When we finished dragging it all into my room from the spare room he had slept in, I locked the door and left. Before I could even drive out of the driveway, my sister was calling me and asked me to come back and take the rest of his stuff. I told her that he and I had a different arrangement and that it wasn't in her way, not to worry about it and I drove out of the driveway. Lugo looked at me and saw the paleness in my face. He tooked my phone away and locked into in the dashboard. "Stop it M. You can't even drive out of the driveway without them trolling you." He huffed. I took a deep breath and decided to go fill up at the gas station, he got out and pumped. While I was waiting I could hear my phone violently vibrating in the compartment, so I pulled it down and took out the phone. My mom had been calling me, 6 missed calls, so I just answered the 7th call. When I said, "hello" the crude yelling began again. She ordered me to come back and get his stuff because it was going to be thrown outside. Yes, really, these people had gone into my bedroom, intruded into my space, went through my stuff to find his stuff, put it in a bin, and threw his stuff outside the house. My sister took a picture of the bin, with his stuff, and texted it to me. I had no choice but to go back and get his belongings. In a fit of embarrassment I dropped him off at the convenience store so that there would be no chance of a confrontation. I grabbed his bin, threw it in the trunk like I was super woman and left to pick him up and be on our way. The feeling in my gut was priceless on the way to White Plains. Not only had they embarrassed me all week with their terrible behavior and lack of respect but they had gone the extra mile and not only invaded my space, but violated someone else's personal property. I felt so small. I felt like a child. I'm 27 years old. Where was the rhyme or reason or the method to this madness? So I guess no things can't get any worse after all.
When I got back from White Plains, I came
"home" and got a few overnight things and went to my grandma's. It was late, she
kept asking me what happened but I just wasn't in the mood to talk. I just told my
cousin what had gone down and went to bed. I kept waking up because it was freezing in my cousin's attic apartment and while I was sleeping Lugo had texted me:
M be strong stick to your guns. You are a bright bright bright star in the sky babe. You know you're family is wrong. I am here for you but you know this is what M has to do for M. I love you. It's crazy how in a matter of days of living with you I grew a very strong "brotherly" love for you. The same loyalty and love I show all these crazy bitches I try to rescue I will show you and knowing that I have a woman that truly I care and love for and knowing you won't break my heart into a million pieces makes it all so sweet."
Obviously I was thrown off by the brotherly part but what was profound was what he said about whether or not he's around I needed to do this for me. And he's right. How long am I going to argue about my choices with family? How long am I going to be made to feel rotten when I am doing something that makes me feel happy? How long am I going to cater out of obligation? It's unjust, unreasonable and it's wounding my soul. Although I don't want to hurt my family, I myself, am done being hurt. I woke up Saturday morning to go see an apartment that is within my budget. I am so broke it's not even funny so I can't even submit an application to see if I can get approved for the apartment until I get paid in another two weeks. I will however submit my taxes on Friday and hope to God that I can come up with all the money to get the fuck out of that real life Alcatraz.
written on 01/27/2014 at 9:04 A.M.
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