I did it
My heart is heavy. I can feel confusion swirling around like a vulture, picking at the scabs of my soul's unhealed wounds. Regardless of the fight I put up to reason with my sister or family, I know I will not win. The are what I like to call, the "wrong and strong" - knowing that they need not be so aggressive, yet going with it because they do not know what it means to compromise. I am starting to realize where I fit in the grand scheme of things. Granted, I have what I did not have a year ago. My own room, a place that I can come home to, but what is a home? My parents walk in the house whenever they feel like it, all decisions, everything I do needs to be made through my sister, and whenever someone "helps" me, little or big, it gets thrown in my face, and I am made to feel guilty for attempting to have a life of my own. Aside from those things I am just struggling with the fact that I made a promise to Lugo who needs my help and now I have to figure out how to keep my word. I can see the desperation in him and I can also see how uncertainty is tearing him apart. He has kept his word in protecting my emotional safety. He's not pursuing me in anyway to confuse me. We haven't kissed, we haven't done anything. That is what is letting me know that of all of this is not in vain. But aside from Lugo, the picture could not be any clearer.I have no place in which I belong to where my family is concerned. No matter what I do - if I attempt to make myself happy, I'm selfish. If I try to make them happy it is not enough. I am going to be 28 years old, and the only thing I feel is numbness. I am not lacking in the gratefulness department, I am grateful that God has given me all of them, they have assisted in ways that most cannot imagine, but with that being said, my life is my own to live and I want to live my life. If I want peace and quiet, I want peace and quiet. I feel like they feel a need to be intrusive, to invade, to command, and to conquer and I can't get jiggy with that bro.
I just feel increasingly sad as the days go by, yet more determined to make sense of my life. I need to be on my own, to grow, to just struggle a little and know that when I survive, that I did it on my own.
written on 01/23/2014 at 1:04 P.M.
-