Day 8
So we're on to day 8 in 2014 and I still don't know WTF I'm doing anymore. Seriously, is this how the next 357 days are going to go? (I had to use my calculator to confirm how many days were left for the year). My prospective not-so partners have dwindled down to nothing but is that the worst thing that could happen to me?-
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- I deleted my POF profile
- and last but not least, my soft spot for Lugo has just cost me some money.
How many times do I have to tell myself that there should not be any tolerance for anything less than what I deserve? I feel some type of way about each one of those guys because of the time I invested and that's where my problem lies. If I just skipped over people who didn't deserve my time from the get, I wouldn't be having these internal struggles every time something goes bad or doesn't work out. I knew Andrew wasn't a good look. He just got out of jail, he lives in his mom's basement, he abused someone (and he says she deserved it, really?!) and he can't see his kids because of it. As for Daniel, his heart is just really really broken, he's a plain and simple no go and if he really wanted to build a "friendship" as he previously claimed he wouldn't have stopped talking to me. He wanted a rebound and he knew it wouldn't work with me. It couldn't be more obvious that Lugo just really needs someone plain and simple. I really want to be there for him, as a friend, but I also love him for reasons unknown to me. He can't give me what I deserve, and I can't give him love because I have none for myself. At least not right now. The crazy thing is that there's no question about what we deserve. Yet I tread lightly hoping we'll figure it out.
I deserve someone who cares about my well being just as much as I care about theirs. Someone who wakes up in the morning and looks forward to hearing from me. Someone who enjoys my company, someone who finds joy in making me smile and laugh as much as I find joy in doing the same for them. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me, and only me. Someone who knows that although I am not perfect, I am perfect for them, not the most beautiful in the world, but the most beautiful in his eyes. Is that so hard to ask for? Notice I didn't ask for money or anything else materialistic. I just want consistency, loyalty, and unconditional love. That's all I want. That's it. Lugo needs a woman who isn't caught up in needing anything from him. Someone who will encourage him, and let him see his value. He just needs to not be focused on anyone else, period. And that includes me. Even though I know what I want, I'm in no space to look for it.
I've definitely got to get focusing on my body, it is one of the things that I can change and it is in my favor to change it. That'll help tackle my self-esteem issues, not to mention, it'll just make me even more out of people's leagues. Still can't figure that one out. HA!
How Do I Find True Love and stop dating half assed men? - Anecdote, needed this...badly.
written on 01/08/2014 at 10:48 A.M.
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