New Year new what?
It's a new year, 3rd day in and I still have the same feelings about last year.Maybe, quite possibly I am just one of those people who don't know how to use their mental erasers. To be quite honest, I didn't even know I had one. Lugo sent me a Facebook message yesterday saying that I'm fake (huh?) and that he's glad that he's far from me, that he thanks me for what I did for him but I'm just fake and he wishes me the best. I had to respond, but I think in the end I am only asking for more salt to be poured in my wound. I asked why he thought I was fake, because my life as he saw it when he was here, was consistent with the truths I had written for months in my letters to him. But, why in the hell does it matter why he thinks I'm fake? It doesn't. But I'm not going to sit around and tear him apart because he has an opinion of me. He's trapped in his own world, just like I have been. He's a victim of his own thinking, and while I may lack self-esteem, he lacks self-love all together. People don't keep fucking up in life because they don't know better, they do it because they are comfortable. I am not perfect. I'm still overweight, which is the biggest of my "flaws" but I think I'm pretty decent all around. Once in a while I feel empty, maybe it's because I'm drained? Emotionally empty. Numb? I don't know, but the fact that he responded tells me that some part of him has a conscience but he also just wants no part in being responsible for having one. He just wants to walk away like 2013 never happened. Either that or he's just as screwed up trying to figure out how to get over the roadblock. Now that I think about it, we're equally dangerous to ourselves.
I'm not a super hero. Why do I think I am capable of fixing anyone when I am struggling to fix myself. Because quite frankly, a lot of my pieces are still missing. My heart is walking around with gauze and scotch tape covering the wounds. I have never let it heal because I've always been too eager to rip off the scab and move on. Afraid to feel the hurt that I felt, too eager to feel something else, anything else, but pain. I did that. To myself. I've just got to get used to the idea that we create our own problems, because truth be told, anything that is meant for you will never have to be second guessed. How many friends have I cut loose because I second guessed them? How many people do I no longer speak to in my family because of it? So why can't I do the same? It is safer to love from a distance. Always has been. And it is also ok to distance yourself from love. Pay too much attention to it, and you'll get trapped, blinded,and wonder how you got here. Give it the space it deserves, let your heart breathe, and things will manifest in your favor. Guess it's time for my heart to breathe and detox.
written on 01/03/2014 at 1:02 P.M.
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