The world is so large, and here I am feeling mediocre, and rather small. I haven't had the inclination to write much, I can't begin to tell you how many times I've logged on. The words escaped me every time, nothing could ever suffice to fully describe everything I have been feeling.
I have an issue with being alone, and completely vulnerable. While J was locked up, I keep in contact with a handful of men that I had spoken to prior to us getting involved. Nothing physical of course, but they were good enough to fulfill my shallow emotional needs while he was busy being incarcerated. Once he came out and was confined to the Halfway House and became lovers with his cell phone, it left me feel inadequate. I know what I was up to, so I wondered the same of him. Only now, the curiosity will indefinitely kill the cat if it doesn't get a hold of itself. While on one of our rendezvous during his "passes" from the halfway house, I got "caught" talking to other guys. Well, the messaging app on my phone snitched. How was I to know, to think, suspect, or even prepare for the idea that he might want to see what was on my phone? He asked, and instead of freaking out, I showed him, but he was unhappy. The guilt lingered. I posted a us(ie) on Facebook of us, and tagged an old Facebook of his. While I was visiting him 2 Sundays ago, he perused my facebook and wanted to see the comments on the pic, but I didn't want him to know that i tagged his old facebook account, because, he didn't know, that i knew about it. I guess it was a way of validating our relationship. to make it facebook official, but after all, he hadn't had one, in forever. What I found and drummed up had existed way before 2008, and he's been locked up since then. So, long story short, I freaked. I didn't want him to see it. Not that I had anything incriminating, but I didn't want him to see that I had walked the path of pathetic-ness. So, here I am, feeling guilty for freaking out, while he issued the worst form of punishment known to woman (by a man), the silent treatment. I endured it for a week. He texted here and there, I shouldn't necessarily label it the silent treatment, but it was estranged conversation. I must have spoken to 6 different people about it, and by the time the week was over, even I was worn out from worrying about it.
..and now he has Facebook, and doesn't want to be my friend. When I asked again in our last visit, he said no, and left it at the fact that he didn't want any problems, and that we both deserved our own privacy. Well done J, well done. So, now I am obsessed with looking at his evolving friends list that keeps growing, and my insecurities are eating away at me, because although he adds both men and women, I can tell that some of these women might be eye-candy for men that he is mutual friends with, while others are people that he does in fact know.
This is terrible behavior. Very unlady-like and borderline obsessive. I don't have any type of facts, nor does he give me any reason to believe he is cheating, so of course my insecurities are trying to behead me. But, I have to get a hold of myself, and give up this "woe is me" act. Because, I am not. If he is doing something behind my back, eventually it will come to light, but I have to be able to be vulnerable and take it like a man, while this relationship steers in the path it is destined for. In the meantime, I have no business being an insecure damsel. That is in no way sexy. No way.
10:45 P.M. - 01/20/2015