Here we are.. Again


written on 09/17/2017 at 8:01 P.M.

Wow, it's been over a year since I last wrote. What happened since? Well, he became a born again Christian on January 24th of this year and we are on baby #2 due again next year January. We were almost to 8 months of him being drug and alcohol free and they were quite frankly the best 8 months of my life and then yesterday happened.

My husband's coworker accused him of inappropriately pinning him against a wall and intimidating him. My husband maintains that no such thing happened. And although he says so, he fell to his stress and let the worry make him succumb to smoking weed. Now, weed itself doesn't bother me. I have and used to indulge in it myself, but my husband was a completely different person when he did drugs. As a matter of fact, I hated him. It bothers me because in the three years we've been together, this last year has been the best of our whole relationship and the beginning of our marriage. I have been at peace and my insecurities almost completely disappeared, again, until yesterday. so now he tells me that he is human and that people fall and he's not perfect and although I'm supposed to not be critical and judgmental, I got a huge flashback with him coming home at 1:30 in the morning, and then stepping out several times to drive around and smoke.

I can't live in the past but it felt really similar today to being there. I don't want to be overly critical but I am really fearful of what this is going to turn into. We lived paycheck to paycheck when he had a drug habit and I'm confident that I can't live like that again while I have a choice. I know marriages go through ups and downs but honestly, I could live with any other mess up compared to him returning to a drug habit.

You heard it first,
M♥

«before || after»

(( archives || diaryland || notes ))

misfit♥